Hydra's Guide to Being an Evil Overlord

Hydra’s Guide to Being an Evil Overlord

This is purely for fun and I am sorry if it offends anyone.

Part 1

Rule 001- Must have massed legions that will do your bidding and install fear and terror into the hearts of those who oppose you.

Rule 002-Ventalation Ducts must be too small to crawl through to prevent your enemies from gaining access to your lair.

Rule 003- If you usurped someone’s throne, kill them immediately, do not imprison them for this shall install a sense of hope among his supporters to resist.

Rule 004- Indoctrination of the youth is key, you want the next generation to adore you and maybe even worship you.

Rule 005- Encourage or create a cult of personality.

Rule 006- Shooting is not too good for anyone, if you have a gun then use it.

Rule 007- If you wield an artifact that gives you a source of power, then you should keep it in a location that is secret, not in a location which is hard to get to because sooner or later someone will make it to Mount Doom and destroy it. But if you conceal it in a void, then you shall never lose it.

Rule 008- Do not gloat over your enemy’s predicament before killing them, this just gives them time to strategize and escape. Kill them quickly.

Rule 009- Never, ever tell your plan to your enemies. If you have them captured and they ask what this is all about, kill them and then say “No.” This will make you seem more ruthless.

Rule 010- Always have a scapegoat or someone to blame. This way no one will doubt you and you can get rid of adversaries this way.

Rule 011- If you ever kidnap the princess of a rival kingdom, marry her immediately and make it quiet. You do not want to have to waste time planning for such a lavish spectacle as a royal wedding, no you have better things to do than waste your time on such niceties.

Rule 012- Do not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, then do not make it a big red button that says, “Do Not Push”, instead cause that the big red button that says “Do Not Push” will trigger a spray of bullets or acid on anyone stupid enough to press it.

Rule 013- When leading a coup, one must have the support of the military.

Rule 014- Use the fear of the people to your advantage, create an unseen enemy for them to look for. This will keep them distracted from challenging your power.

Rule 015- Never bring your enemies to your lair or sanctum. If you wish to interrogate them, then do so at a completely different location.

Rule 016- Be secure in your sense of superiority, do not feel the need to prove it by leaving clues or by leaving your weaker enemies alive to show that they pose no threat. This is stupid, you never know if the weaker enemies can grow, also if your enemy really is clever then they shall not need your clues.

Rule 017-Surround oneself with children, people are more likely to respond well to this and attacks on you would threaten the children, which would cause public opinion towards the attackers to be negative.

Rule 018- No matter how smart you think you are, there is always someone smarter, either get them to work for you or dispose of them.

Rule 019- Always have a five-year-old as one of your advisors, they seem to be able to spot the important flaws in plans so they should be a great benefit.

Rule 020- If you really want to seem evil, then you need to have a pet. Go with something that people usually associate with villains like large vicious dogs, dangerous predators, or even cats.

Rule 021-Never assume that your enemy is dead, cremate all bodies to be sure that none have survived them injures.

Rule 022- The hero/your enemy is not entitled to a last kiss, cigarette, or any other form of last request.

Rule 023- Large master plans can be too complicated, and something is bound to go wrong, be willing to adjust the plan as things happen.

Rule 024- Always have a plan B, C, D, and E.

Rule 025- Make sure you pronounce your words correctly.

Rule 026- Have good handwriting and grammar to avoid criticism.

Rule 027- When making yourself an evil name, do not make it cliché and try to keep it simple. Super Evil Eyepatch Guy is a terrible name.

Rule 028- Never employ any device with a digital countdown. If the need for such a device is absolutely unavoidable, then set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 just to throw your enemies off.

Rule 029- Sometimes taking your enemy with you is not the best course of action. Let them live out their lives, if they beat you then they deserve it.

Rule 030- Never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.” Never do this for it will prolong your plans.

Rule 031- When employing people as advisors, listen to what they have to say, sometimes it can be really useful.

Rule 032- When employing people as advisors, cause them to compete for your favor. This will keep them from turning against you as they will be too busy with each other.

Rule 033- If you ever have children, then treat them well. You do not want them to come to hate you because this could lead to them trying to overthrow you.

Rule 034- Daughters are useful for seducing and deceiving the enemy, but there is always a flaw with them. They usually end up falling in love with the handsome Hero and siding with him. In that case, you can always make another child, but you cannot rebuild an empire so easily, dispose of her.

Rule 035- Maniacal laughter is a distraction, although I will admit it is satisfying. Try to keep it short and make sure it doesn’t distract you.

Rule 036- Capes install a sense of fear and power, use this to your advantage.

Rule 037- No matter how tempted you are to achieve unlimited power, do not let this prospect distract you from the present. Also, do not consume any energy without testing it, you might just explode.

Rule 038- Train your legions in the use of low-tech weapons and have them ready in case they run out of power or ammunition. A soldier is useless if he does not know how to fight savages with swords.

Rule 039- Everyone has weaknesses, find them and use them to your advantage.

Rule 040- As with rule 39, everyone has weaknesses, even you. Do not fall into the trap of the ego, never proclaim yourself to be invincible. Always maintain a realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses.

Rule 041- Never construct any sort of machinery that is completely indestructible, except for one small and virtually inaccessible venerable spot that will hit because the universe likes to make the impossible happen.

Rule 042- Don’t be a creep, but if you are then following this rule. No matter how attractive certain enemies are, never order a prisoner to be sent to your bedchamber because there are so many ways that this can go wrong.

Rule 043- Never build only one of anything important, always have a few spares.

Rule 044- Always carry at least two fully loaded weapons.

Rule 045- Have contingency plans for everyone you know, no one can be trusted.

Rule 046- Keep pet monsters in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which you will not accidentally stumble into, do don’t want to be eaten.

Rule 047- Sometimes dressing in bright and cheerful colors can throw the enemy into confusion.

Rule 048- Although frowning can be effective, a stone face or even a smile can be very intimidating, it shows that they cannot change you. Also always smiling gives a sense of power and control.

Rule 049- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. Your foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

Rule 050- Propaganda is an effective means of controlling your enemy and your subjects.

Part 2

Rule 051- Have a sense of humor, if someone cracks a joke about you then laugh for a bit. You can always kill them later.

Rule 052- Replace all busty tavern wenches in the realm with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

Rule 053- Do not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings you bad news just to illustrate how evil you really are, good messengers are hard to come by.

Rule 054- Never turn into a snake, it never helps.

Rule 055- Never grow a goatee, they are not evil, they are just sad.

Rule 056- Do not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, then you should keep the only key to the cell door on your own person, instead of handing out keys to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

Rule 057- Have good manners while eating, try to seem educated. This while make people believe you know more than you really do.

Rule 058- Practice good Hygiene and keep yourself clean. Try to show that you are serious about this evil villain business.

Rule 059-If your trusted lieutenant tells you that you are losing a battle, don’t immediately discount what they have said, they could have more information than you and if you pull out of a battle before things get out of control then you could always fight another day, so listen to him, he is after all your trusted lieutenant.

Rule 060- If an enemy or hero that you have just killed has a sibling or offspring, hunt them down and kill them immediately. You do not want them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards you in your old age.

Rule 061- Eat lots of Fruit and Vegetables along with a healthy amount of Proteins, Grains, and Dairy. A healthy diet is key to a healthy mind and a healthy mind can be used to conquer the world.

Rule 062- If you absolutely need to ride into battle, do not do it at the forefront and never seek out your opposite among his army, this will end up killing you like it has so many other villains.

Rule 063- Be neither chivalrous nor sporting, if you have an unstoppable superweapon then use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Rule 064- Once your power is secured, destroy all time traveling devices so no one can change the course of history to stop you.

Rule 065- When capturing a hero or enemy, make sure that you also get his dog, monkey, ferret, mole rat, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.

Rule 066- When an enemy is captured and they have a pet, torture it in front of him until he complies with your ways. Let him know that you are not above such actions.

Rule 067- The same as the last rule except you should use loved ones or friends of the hero instead.

Rule 068- Although some of you may feel sick while watching torture sessions, try not to show it, in fact smile a bit to add to the sense of evil.

Rule 069- Resist and be wary of attractive women, especially if they are the enemy. It would be better to have them killed, for there are many other notable suitors out there that don’t want to kill you.

Rule 070- Only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things sometimes like evening the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

Rule 071- Make sure you have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in your organization. For example, if your general screws things up do not draw your weapons point it at him and say “Here is the price of failure” then suddenly turn and shoot some other guy. That guy could have been important, and he didn’t even do anything wrong, so kill the general.

Rule 072- If an advisor says to you “My liege he is but one man. What can he possible do?” Reply with “This” and kill him. He obviously doesn’t understand the power of the enemy.

Rule 073- If you learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy you, slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

Rule 074- Treat any beast which you control either through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus, if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately turn on you seeking revenge.

Rule 075- Change your schedule without telling others, this way it will be difficult for assassins to prepare for an attack.

Rule 076- Have a double attend some events to confuse assassins.

Rule 077- If you learn the whereabouts of the only artifact that can destroy you, do not send all your troops to seize it. Instead send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

Rule 078- Your main computer system should have its own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with the standard systems, thus making hack attacks less likely to occur.

Rule 079- If one of your dungeon guards begins showing signs of concern or care for a prisoner, immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

Rule 080- Never leave the hero to die, always make sure they are killed in your sight. I mean how many villains have trapped their victims over a lava pit and then walked away expecting it to kill them, but in reality, they escape.

Rule 081- If you want to keep the hero alive, which is dangerous, you should humiliate them and make them subservient towards you. Make them wear a speedo all the time, although there are far worse ways of doing it.

Rule 082- Hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine your castle or lair and inform you of any secret passages or abandoned tunnels that you might not know about.

Rule 083- If anyone ever says the classical line “I’ll never marry you! NEVER!” Reply with “Oh well” and kill. them. They obviously didn’t love you and you gave them a chance to live, if they weren’t willing to take that chance then that’s her fault, also you don’t want to find yourself in a relationship where the feelings are not mutual. Unless you don’t care.

Rule 084- If you strike a deal with the devil or some other demonic entity, don’t double cross them just to be contrary, this will end you up in some infernal void.

Rule 085- Employ mutants and odd balls into your forces in order to strengthen your offensive and defensive capabilities but remember to have a contingency for each one of them.

Rule 086- Have all of your troops practice marksmanship. If they cannot hit a human sized target from 10 meters away, then they shall become the target.

Rule 087- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, read the owner’s manual carefully.

Rule 088- If it becomes necessary to escape, never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

Rule 089- Never build a sentient computer smarter than you.

Rule 090- Have the five-year old, mentioned in Rule 019, try to decipher or figure out all of your codes and passwords. If they can break them in under 60 seconds, change the codes/passwords immediately.

Rule 091- If an advisor asks, “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” Do not proceed until you have a response that satisfies them. If you cannot come up with a reason, then you should rethink your strategy.

Rule 092- Never design fortress hallways with alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Rule 093- Bulk trash should be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they should be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

Rule 094- See a competent psychiatrist to get rid of all those unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

Rule 095-If you must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of the complex should have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room with actually be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room should be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

Rule 096- Make your security keypads into fingerprint scanners. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

Rule 097- Do not build cells with materials that can be furnished or built into tools or weapons.

Rule 098- No matter how many shorts you have in a security system, your guards should be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency, until the cause of the malfunction can be established or until the area is declared safe.

Rule 99- Only spare someone who save your life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good only one time. If they want to be spared again, they’d better save your life again.

Rule 100- All midwives should be banned from the realm. All babies must be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. For some reason being raised by animals makes great heroes.

Part 3

Rule 101- When guards spit up to search for intruders or for other reasons, they should always travel in groups of at least two. They should be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the others will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of peering around corners like a fool.

Rule 102- When testing a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, you should have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case they fail.

Rule 103- If all of the heroes are standing together around a strange unknown device and begin to taunt you, use a conventional weapon first instead of using the unstoppable superweapon, they could be around a device which negates the superweapons power.

Rule 104- Never agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even if your advisors assure you that it is impossible for them to win, they always find a way.

Rule 105- Don’t leave top secret material just laying around.

Rule 106- Instruct your legions to attack a hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while they attack one or two at a time, also don’t accept a one on one duel.

Rule 107- Do not fight the hero on the roof, on a cliff, and definitely not in the middle of a rope-bridge hanging over a river of molten lava. You could fall and die.

Rule 108- If you ever have a fit of temporary insanity and you decide to give the hero the change to reject a job as your trusted lieutenant, you should retain enough sanity to wait until your current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. If they do hear, tell them that I was a trap and you weren’t serious.

Rule 109- Do not tell your Legions “He must be taken alive!” The command should be “Try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”

Rule 110- If your doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been activated it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

Rule 111- If your weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, send out your best troops next instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to your fortress or lair.

Rule 112- If will fighting a hero who has been disarmed, he/she suddenly drops after glancing behind you, drop flat as well instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he/she saw.

Rule 113- Don’t fire at your enemies when they are standing in front of a crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure that could fall and crush you.

Rule 114- Be kind to your elders, unless they stand in your way of domination.

Rule 115- Sometimes you may be evil but try to seem good to the public. Cause the public to believe that you are either not evil at all or the actions you are doing are for the greater good.

Rule 116- If you are eating dinner with the hero, keep him away from the drinks and order new ones to be brought in and tasted regularly. Also don’t do a stupid game of which cup is the poison in.

Rule 117- It is a good idea to not have captives of one sex be guarded by members of the opposite sex. Never underestimate the power of human desire, also when choosing guards of the same sex, make sure they are not gay.

Rule 118- Never use a plan in which the final step goes along the line of “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse when the planets align.” Rather it should be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

Rule 119- Get outside every once in a while. The sunlight will help you not be a pasty white freak.

Rule 120- Real evil plans take funding, I suggest you invest in a growing industry or a well-established industry.

Rule 121- Make sure that your doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

Rule 122- Vats of hazardous chemicals should be covered when not in use, also do not contract walkways above them.

Rule 123- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, do not berate them for incompetence and then send the same group out to try again. Send someone else.

Rule 124- No one wants to work for nothing, make sure you pay your legions, cronies, advisors, etc.

Rule 125- Reward your henchmen and troops for good performance and punish them for bad performance. The punishment varies on the performance.

Rule 126- After you capture the enemy’s superweapon, do not disband your legions and relax your guard because you believe that whoever wields the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero/enemy wielded the weapon and you took it from him.

Rule 127- Do not design the main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. If you do not know why I say this then you cannot be a villain.

Rule 128- Do not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until your personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

Rule 129- If you ever talk with the enemy or hero on the phone, do not taunt them. Instead say that because of his perseverance he has given you new insight on the futility of your evil ways and if he leaves you alone for a few months of quiet contemplation you will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are very gullible in this regard.)

Rule 130- If you can blast evil space lightning from your hands or choke someone through a TV screen, then you should do that more often. Because like what is anyone going to do against that?

Rule 131-If you decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed you, see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

Rule 132- When arresting prisoners, the guards should not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value, this could be a concealed tool or weapon.

Rule 133- All dungeons should have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

Rule 134- You should design your door mechanisms so if the control panel on the outside is shot it will seal the door and if the control panel is shot on the inside it will close it, not vice versa.

Rule 135- If an attractive young couple enters your realm, you should carefully monitor their activities. If you find they are happy and affectionate, then ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they speed all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’s lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, you should order their immediate execution, they are possibly spies.

Rule 136-Any file of crucial importance should be padded to a larger size that can be held on any current portable data storage medium.

Rule 137- In order to keep your subjects permanently locked in a mindless trace, provide each of them with free unlimited internet access.

Rule 138- If you cannot conquer your household, you will never conquer the world.

Rule 139- Always have a freeze ray handy.

Rule 140- If you are a female villain than we recommend that you get an IUD, unless you want children. Then you should probably not be an evil villain.

Rule 141- Knowledge is power, learn to read.

Rule 142- Learning a second language could help you entice more peoples to join your cause.

Rule 143- There is no such thing as overkill.

Rule 144- Use Dolls, Mannequins, puppets, and ventriloquists dummies to install a sense of fear and unease towards your enemies and minions.

Rule 145- Make a list of all the people who have ever wronged you or you just hate, you can use this list later to hunt them down and destroy them.

Rule 146- When producing a terrible bioweapon, make sure you have the cure with you at all times.

Rule 147- Your organization of evil should have some sort of salute or greeting to use towards other members.

Rule 148- Make yourself a flag or banner that can be used when you take over the world.

Rule 149- Be creative sometimes, do the unusual, the unreasonable, the unethical. Like eating a peanut butter, honey, grape jelly, and mayonnaise sandwich, while naked.

Rule 150- If you really want to be evil, just become a feminist.

Rule 151- You are in charge, you are the boss, you must act that way, follow the instructions I have given you, go forth and create your legions. The world is ours for the taking, so let’s take it.

The End

By Ronan Mahaffey